Take Your Time
by CuteWhiteBunny
Summary: ...or, why Vaati waited for you to arrive before starting the final stage of his evil plan, the lazy bum. [Minish Cap crackfic.]


AN: So, this is the result of ~5 years hard work. I wish I was kidding. Enjoy~

* * *

In the land of Hyrule, peace had been a constant for many generations. Even wartime was peaceful. Or what passed for wartime in a land with exactly one kingdom. Two if you counted the Minish, but no one ever counted the Minish. Not even a census. The population of the Minish was a mystery.

Times of peace were apparently also warlike, if the number of soldiers around the place were anything to go by.

It just so happened that at this particular time, the King of Hyrule was ordering his guards to find a mysterious "Light Force".

 _Or was he?_

As the last soldier left the room, an illusion shimmered and dissolved, revealing the swordsman, Vaati. "I never thought being in charge would be so _boring_ ," he muttered, slouching on the Throne of Hyrule. He reached into the packet beside him (dramatically), pulled out another potato chip (dramatically), and ate it (dramatically). "What is there to do around here, anyway? Other than sending the soldiers on a wild cucco chase."

"You could always extract the Light Force from the princess," a still-invisible Iron Knuckle suggested.

Vaati yawned, swinging his legs over the arm of the throne. "Nah, I'll do it later."

* * *

And so Link gained more time to complete his quest to save his girlfriend- er, Princess Zelda from Vaati.

* * *

A few days later, a moblin guard stood in front of Vaati in the throne room, fidgeting with his spear.

"What is it now," Vaati said, groaning. He was slouched back in the throne, with a posture that could _not_ be good for his spine.

The moblin shifted on his feet. "Sir, there's a green kid going around collecting the Elements"

"Oh, him." Vaati waved his hand dismissively. "Don't worry about him. There's no way he can get all the elements in time, anyway."

There wasn't any evidence for this, but the moblin had learned not to question Vaati when he was in one of his Moods. Which was always. "Yes sir," he said, saluting.

Seconds passed.

Vaati sighed, sliding further down into the throne until his shoulders touched the cushioned seat. "Yes?" he asked, covering his eyes.

"Well, sir," the moblin began, "don't you think it would be a good idea to get the Light Force-"

This was exactly what Vaati did not want to be reminded of, as it turned out. "Yeah, yeah, I'll do it later," he said, waving a hand at the moblin. "Now scram!"

* * *

And so the bomber Minish created remote controlled bombs.

Yes it's related. No I don't know how. Stop questioning it.

* * *

Back in Hyrule Castle, Vaati was having an existential crisis.

"What's the point in taking over the kingdom if there's no resistance?" he moaned, draping himself across the throne (dramatically). "I'm Evil, they should be resisting me!"

"I think that green kid's trying to resist," a voice said from a nearby pot, miraculously still unshattered after years of Link visiting. (Later, when Link smashed that pot, he would find a fairy hiding inside.)

Vaati sat up straight. "I think you're right, random voice!" He glanced around the room. "You! Snotbrain! Where's that kid?" he demanded, pointing to the nearest moblin.

"He's at the Source," the moblin reported. "Gary saw him going there."

Vaati scoffed. "Everyone knows the Source of the Flow is a dead end." He pulled out the 'Nintendo DS' thing he'd swiped from some kid a few days ago. It took him a while, but he eventually figured out how to turn it on. "What's a 'Pokémon Platinum'?" he asked.

No one dared answer, but he wasn't listening anyway, too busy investigating the buttons on the strange device.

* * *

And so Vaati discovered the wonders of Pokémon.

(By the way, he likes Haunter and Gengar, because they're purple.)

(And Bibarel, because he thinks it's cute.)

(No, you're not allowed to correct him.)

* * *

It was more than just _a few_ days later when the moblins next raised the issue.

One of them, the unofficial leader, stepped forward. "Sir, we've-"

Vaati raised a hand, cutting off the moblin, still staring at the screen. "Not now, I'm in a battle."

"But sir-"

"Can it wait?" he snapped.

"No, sir."

He sighed. "Fine." He snapped the DS shut in exasperation and sat in the most imposing manner he could, glaring down at the moblin who'd dared to interrupt his Pokémon battle. The moblin shuffled his feet, not meeting Vaati's eyes. "Well?" Vaati prompted.

The moblin tightened his grip on his spear nervously. "Liam said that Ryan said that the green kid has the fourth Element, sir."

"And?"

"He's coming here, sir. Should I-"

Vaati leaned back in his chair, unfolding the DS again and returning his attention to the game. "Yeah, yeah, set up the defences."

"Anything else, sir?" the moblin said. He glanced in the most meaningful way he could at where the statue'd Princess Zelda stood, off to one side of the throne room, in an attempt to remind Vaati about the Light Force.

"Yes."

The moblin waited patiently for Vaati to come to the appropriate subject.

"What types are good against Water?" he asked. He did not look up, or even notice the moblin's attempts at unsubtlety.

"Fire?" the moblin guessed, groaning internally. At this rate, Vaati would never get around to it.

Vaati didn't respond immediately, choosing to instead tap a few buttons on the presumably-magical device he was holding. After a few painfully-quiet seconds, he grimaced, glaring up at the moblin. "You fool, that's _bad_ against Water! For some reason." He frowned, turning back to his game as the moblin quailed. "And Infernape's fainted now..."

The moblin escaped before Vaati remembered his existence.

* * *

And so Tingle became a fairy, just like he'd always wanted.

...

That's totally relevant. Fairy type is a thing now. (Don't tell Vaati.)

* * *

Three days later, absolutely no one had made any progress. Brocco the vegetable vendor hadn't sold a single vegetable. Smith the blacksmith was still smithing the same sword he'd been working on since before the Picori Festival. The green kid with the sword had spent the time mowing the grass outside a cottage south of Hyrule Castle Town and holding up every single Rupee he found (dramatically). At least, that was what Vaati's spies said.

They weren't very good spies. Half of them had decided to follow Gary the Moblin around and report on _his_ movements instead of the green kid's. Lucky for them, Vaati was too busy spending his time wandering through Amity Square with his "totally adorable" Infernape to care about any minor inconsistencies in the spying. Or major inconsistencies.

* * *

And so Link had an audience of none when he discovered a small elephant figurine. He held it aloft *ahem* triumelephantly, for the benefit of a nonexistent audience, before sticking it in a pocket to add to his collection later.

Wait, scratch that, he did _technically_ have an audience. In fairness, Ezlo couldn't exactly _leave_.

* * *

 _Quite a while later..._

Deep in Hyrule Castle (or, as it had been newly renamed, Dark Hyrule Castle), Vaati sat upside-down on the throne, legs dangling over the back of it. None of his minions- er, guards questioned this, having grown used to his flights of fancy.

Then the doors slammed open.

Within moments Vaati was sitting upright, as if he'd never been draped casually over the throne in the first place. Two moblins standing against the wall exchanged glances, but said nothing.

"Sir, that green kid you said not to worry about is invading," a very shaken (not stirred) stalfos said from the doorway, sounding very out of breath.

Vaati slumped back against the throne with a sigh. " _He_ sure took his time."

The stalfos elected, in a stunning display of self-preservation, not to mention that Link hadn't been the only one taking their time.

"You," Vaati said, pointing to one of the moblins standing guard, "prepare the princess for extraction."

"Right away, sir!"

* * *

And so Vaati (finally) started the final stage of his plan.

* * *

After fighting his way through Hyrule Castle, Link encountered Vaati in a dark hallway. Well, an illusion of Vaati, not that Link could tell the difference. Then again, the only way Vaati's own minions could tell the difference was the strange device the real Vaati was always holding. It was a _very_ convincing illusion.

Mostly helped by the fact Vaati himself was standing in it.

Link, of course, did what anyone else would do when confronted by their sworn enemy in a dark hallway: pointed a sword at him (dramatically). "Vaati! Release Zelda now!"

Vaati('s illusion) folded his arms and pouted like a petulant child. "Why should I?"

"Um..." Link paused, taking the question seriously for some reason. Maybe he didn't recognise the tone. "Because I said so?" Alas, his grandfather's secret weapon did not have the effect he'd hoped for. "She's my friend," he added.

This didn't have the effect he'd hoped for either, as Vaati just laughed. "Sentimental fool. You thought that would convince me?"

"I'd _hoped_ ," Link replied. "Then I could have avoided this whole battle."

"Battle?" Slowly, Vaati('s illusion)'s lips spread into a maniacal grin. "You want a _Pokémon battle_?"

Link froze, eyes wide. "Wait, that's not what I said-"

"Pokémon battle!" Vaati yelled over Link's protests. He (and his illusion) pulled out the Nintendo DS, brandishing it (dramatically). "Your Pokémon versus my Pokémon."

"How about no."

Vaati's illusion slid the DS back into a convenient pocket. (Vaati, however, did not. But, since he was covered by the illusion, no one could see anyway. So it didn't matter what he did or did not do.) "How about," he said in a syrupy sweet voice, "if you win, I'll release your girlfriend."

Link blinked. (Rhyme not intended.) "...'Girlfriend'?"

"She's a girl and she's your friend, therefore she's your girlfriend." Vaati's illusion waved his hand for emphasis.

This logic, obviously, was rather flawed. Not that Vaati knew that, seeing as the Minish had a nebulous understanding of how, or why, Hylians did anything, but it was quite obvious to bystanders. For example, Link.

"That's not how it works," Link said with a sigh, "but okay. You got me. Let's have a 'Pokémon battle'." He even added air quotes so Vaati knew _exactly_ how much sarcasm was intended; i.e. all the sarcasm, all of it.

Vaati, on his part, looked unimpressed. "You don't even know what it is, do you."

"No, how could you tell," Link said, somehow adding _even more_ sarcasm this time. Maybe it's a defence mechanism. Not as effective at defence as his shield, of course, but far less prone to being stolen by Like-Likes. A trick that would be far more useful if there were actually any Like-Likes around.

Nevertheless, Vaati (and his illusion) sighed. The Minish may not understand most of the things Hylians did, but they were all too aware of sarcasm. "What about this?" he asked, dropping the illusion to gesture with the Nintendo DS.

Link's eyes widened in recognition and he started digging through his pockets. "Yeah, I saw one of those- where did I put the blasted thing? Oh, here it is!" He pulled out the elephant statue (triumelephantly). "I put it in here for safekeeping."

* * *

And so they fought. Battled. Close enough.

* * *

Vaati won.

This was not a result Link could accept. But, as it turned out, he'd somehow concealed a reset button in his tunic next to the rest of his items.

* * *

And so Link reset each loss until he won. Cheater.

* * *

At last, Vaati was trapped in the Four Sword, never to achieve his heretofore unmentioned dream of becoming a priest. Or his other goal of catching all however-many-it-is-now Pokémon.

And thus the curse on Princess Zelda was broken, and she was restored to her original form.

The king, as a "reward" for saving Hyrule, declared that not only was Link to be hailed as the true victor of the original competition that led to the whole mess in the first place, but (on the suggestion of a random bystander) would also be married to Zelda. Despite _both_ Link's and Zelda's protests.

Said random bystander also offered to perform the ceremony, as he had been recently certified as a priest.

As it turned out, this random bystander happened to be Vaati's illusion, newly sentient after a few too many reality resets. Not that anyone else was aware of it, of course. Vaati's illusion had no intentions of ending up stuck in the Four Sword with only Vaati (and his Nintendo DS) for company.

* * *

And so the Royal Wedding went ahead as planned. Mostly. Alas, Zelda "couldn't make it" (somehow), but her understudy had an _amazing_ performance that more than made up for Zelda's absence.

* * *

Things rather quickly went back to normal after that. After all, the land of Hyrule was a peaceful one. And with a new hero to guard it, it was sure to stay that way for a very long time.

Or at least until Link got bored.

* * *

And so, everyone (except Vaati) (and all the monsters Link had attacked) (and that guy who was plagued by ghosts that Link forgot to cure) (and maybe Zelda) lived happily ever after.


End file.
